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Mummy, why don’t you want a husband?
By Samantha Leith | September 2, 2011
‘Mummy why don’t you want a husband?” How on earth do you answer that? In the car on the way to school. I said some such rubbish like, not knowing anybody I wanted to marry. How can you say to a child (you can’t) when you can barely admit the reasons to yourself.
So lets’ look at a couple of the reasons……
I don’t get a lot of opportunity to go out as a single mum.
People meet partners at work, I work with unavailable people and family.
I don’t have a huge friendship circle where I can meet other singles (I have just joined a single parents group).
I don’t know where I fit in.
I don’t know what / who to look for.
I have very little belief in happily ever after.
I wouldn’t be comfortable in bed with anyone at the moment.
I would have to be 100% sure they were amazing before introducing them to my daughter.
Now to pick apart a couple of these reasons…….
Why don’t I have a friendship circle that allows me to meet new people? Well I think I’ve done that to myself. For my late teens and most of my 20’s I was part of the gay and lesbian scene in Sydney, and was very comfortable, had partners, fun, a successful singing career and lots of friends. Then when I started to go out with my daughters father I pushed myself away. I think there were many reasons for this, but partly I thought I’d let my friends down. I look back now – how ridiculous. Even then I couldn’t believe people might actually like / love me for me and not who I was sleeping with and which bars I was singing in. I miss some of my friendships from those days so much. Even though some people are still in my life, it’s never been the same again and that makes me so incredibly sad.
These days, I feel like the odd man out at my daughters school – which is my biggest opportunity for socialising. I hear people talking about events, and catching up etc, and I just don’t get invited to many things. Likewise I don’t send many invitations – it is awkward being single amongst full groups of married couples. Single parents I spoke to early on said this usually happens – and it does. I also work hard, so I do drive by for pick ups and drop off these days – maybe I should park and actually talk to people again.
So I feel like I’m in limbo land. I’m trying really hard to do some more socialising, especially now my daughter is getting older, and she is at her fathers one night a week now. But half the time I’m too bloody tired to do anything when she isn’t here. The other thing is, as someone who identifies as being bisexual – where do I go??? Where do I fit in??
I can’t believe I just put that out there – oh well. It is who I am, and part of this journey is accepting who I am, not being ashamed of any of it and finally getting to love myself for who I am, what I do, how much money I have and what I look like etc.
Another reason to pick apart – no belief in happily ever after. You know when you grow up and all you see is miserable and destructive relationships around you. Well, it’s hard to then think yours will be any different. So far they haven’t – but is that just me manifesting what I believe to be true? Some would say yes. Over the last couple of years I have seen some great relationships, so I think my belief is starting to come around – fingers crossed. I think partly I’ve made myself never believe it, because then I had an excuse when relationships didn’t work – see I told you they never do!!!
Lastly, let’s tackle the weighty issue. My size. I know I have talked about dating when overweight before, but it is a really big (all puns intended) issue for me. I know I have had partners when fat before (most of my life really), so I know people are attracted to me as a person and with the extra weight, but I was ok with myself then too I guess. I felt great. Great frocks, good shows, lots of friends, no money worries. It could even be a bit of a power trip being on stage and flirting outrageously with someone. What changed? Me, would be the answer. I don’t want to hide behind being funny, a good singer, flirty, smart etc etc anymore. It’s not that those things aren’t natural to me, they are. I just don’t want them to be the weapon I guess that I use in the game of love, to distract people from my size. I want to be 100% me. The 100% me Sam, doesn’t feel ready I don’t think to date. It’s scary, very scary. The 100% me Sam is starting to get itchy feet if you know what I mean, and would love to enjoy someone’s company sometimes for dinner, or a walk – anything. The 100% me Sam is just not there yet. I don’t think it’s the kilos anymore either that are stopping me. It’s just me stopping me. Am I waiting to be my idea of perfect? Maybe, I hope not. I think I’d love it if the phone rang and I got that little butterfly feeling.
As for my daughter – she said she wants a step dad so she has a mummy, a daddy, a step mum and a step dad. Maybe that should be reason enough for me to go on a date!!!!
Topics: Dating, Mental Health, Sharing your journey | No Comments »