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My father died and I fell to pieces
By Samantha Leith | October 27, 2011
Yes, that’s what happened. Organised, efficient, multi tasking Sam – fell to pieces.
I’ve forgotten lunches, turned up at wrong times, not made much of an effort in life and well, generally been sad. Not depressed, just sad, and there is a difference. As someone who once attempted suicide many years ago, I do understand the difference. I think the biggest oops, was thinking my daughter’s birthday party started at 1pm, when it started at 11am. I was at the shops getting some last minute things, and my mum and daughter were in thier pj’s when everyone started arriving. All was well and the kids had a great time, but I realised my mind has really not been here.
His death wasn’t expected, the end came quite quickly and I was fortunate enough to have the last bittersweet 24hrs holding his hand and singing his favourite songs to him. It wasn’t not expected either. He was 92 1/2. He’d been living in a nursing home for the last few years as his dementia worsened, but he always still seemed ‘fit as a fiddle’ (even after 81 years of smoking and 60+years as an alcoholic). When I saw him a couple of weeks before his death, I knew in my heart of hearts that it wouldn’t be long – but not that quick. He simply had a fall and gave up. He’d had enough I guess, and that was his choice.
I then went into crazy Sam mode. Organising the funeral, people, music, clothes, flowers, accommodation etc etc. Then it stopped, and I seemed to stop to.
What happened with my weight? Well I put some on. According to the scales it was 5kgs in the 8 days I was away. I say impossible, but apparently not. The sad part about that is, that I didn’t eat or drink any more then other people with me. I even drank a hell of a lot less than some. I guess that just shows that I don’t have a body like other people. I will need to be more careful for the rest of my life. That’s scary and a little comforting all at the same time.
I’ve managed to shed some of it in the last 3 weeks, but the reality of how quickly it can go on vs how slow it is to remove is beyond frustrating. Now I know just how healthy I will need to be when Elodie and I go to the USA at the end of the year.
I wanted to stop for a few days – read a book, sleep in, tidy my kitchen cupboards. You know, all the things to do that help you avoid getting on with your life. I didn’t have time though. Work to do, child to bring up, mother to help, business to build, weight to lose and who knows maybe a social life in there somewhere.
I didn’t have an amazing relationship with my father. Life wasn’t easy with him sometimes – and yes I turned to my secret chocolate stash in those times. He did love me though (even if sometimes he wasn’t able to show it), and if he could help me he would and one thing my father taught me, was to never give up. I got my love of the stage and singing from him, some say I also got my charm (not sure about that), so maybe this is why I am now longing to get on a stage or behind a microphone. It used to feel like home for me. I sang at his funeral ‘My Way’ and he would have wanted that and loved it – I know this because he loved me singing ‘He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother’ at my brother’s funeral last year. I’m sure he would have prefered me singing on stage somewhere he could see me though.
When people ask me if I still sing, I guess I can always say ‘only at loved ones funerals’.
So I’m not giving up. I will conquer my weight, my relationship with food, and above all my relationship with myself. I need to be so much kinder to myself. I get told it all the time, and I know it, but it’s hard. 37 years of being down on yourself is a big habit to break. Maybe I’ll even get on a stage again (in that dress hanging behind my bedroom door).
Will I make myself ‘face a consequence’ of having gained some weight? No. The last few weeks have been hard enough. I have screamed at myself inside my head and been so very frustrated, but have chosen to forgive myself and keep going.
I’ve missed writing, but I was fearful that I would just write and sob, now I feel ok to try.
Stay well everyone and remember don’t give up.
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