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    • Help I made custard!!!

    By Samantha Leith | May 26, 2011

    I’ve been going pretty well I think with triggers and sticking to healthy choices…….well that went out the window tonight. I made myself a small serve of custard, and ate it with some fruit. Now I know that’s not the deadliest of food sins, but it’s the meaning behind it that is so very bad.
    You see I am sad tonight, truly bottom of my heart sad. Not depressed, been there done that, and this is not that. I’m just sad, and sick.
    I have a throat infection, inflamed ears, asthma and a bark to rival Sammy The Seal!!! It has left me medicated, lethargic and feeling like shit all over. This is when being a single mother really sux. I can’t just go to bed and get over it. I have to soldier on and make dinner and do the bath etc etc, all while pretending the world will be ok, when it’s not. I burst into tears on my daughter which is something I just don’t do, and I lay the sobbing saying I just wanted some help. When I apologised afterwards, she said I hadn’t done anything wrong I was just sad. When did I get such an amazing daughter.
    I’m not one to ask for or need help, which I think makes it all the more hard. I’m generally one of the first there to help others and when on days like today, I feel I just want some back and it’s not there…I end up sobbing and making custard.
    Why custard? Well it was warm and I am bottom of the bones cold. It reminded me of something my mother would do, and well even with all our differences, I still want her to make me feel better.
    Why can’t I just make myself better? Why can’t my daughters amazing love and intellect make me feel better. Why in a moment of utter sadness did I turn to food when I have been doing so well?
    This is what I need to conquer. This is what will stop me from living my life to it’s fullest.
    I don’t feel guilty about it, which is a nice change. I recognise it for what it was, and will move on.
    So hopefully tomorrow I will feel better, eat healthily and not sob into my pillow.
    Hopefully after that I will get over my inability to ask for help directly, and not try to prove myself to be SuperMum. I’m my daughters hero, I don’t need to be anyone else’s.

    Topics: Food Habits (not diets), Sometimes Food | 2 Comments »

    Triggers to make you want to eat

    By Samantha Leith | May 25, 2011

    It’s been a big couple of weeks in my family and at work with lots of stress for people.  During these times I seem to take the world onto my shoulders, and try and help those around me.  Now this would normally involve me eating and drinking more.  I haven’t this time.  I know it sounds daggy, but I really am proud of myself.  You see emotional triggers are the biggest (second is social) so not letting them take over has been great.  I’ve had a flu type thing and all I have wanted is some good old fashioned comfort food.  Now in reality comfort food is not really comfort food, it’s just something your mum used to make for you when you were sick, so it conjures up memories of being looked after. Food can’t comfort you, if it did I would be the most comforted woman in Sydney.  Just like that glass of wine (or 5) isn’t going to make you feel less stressed, it merely makes you ‘feel’ less stress.  Numbing the pain of sadness, frustration, fear, anger etc doesn’t help it go away, or you to deal with it.

    Now I’m not going to say I’ve been a saint, but I have been pretty good. Gabriela has me drinking this stuff which I will not say is pleasant (all my friends who see naturopaths laughed and told me it was normal), but I’ve been making some meals from her book Eat Your Way To Parenthood.  I’m not trying to get pregnant, although Elodie would love it, but it’s all very healthy and tasty, and I guess a different take on better eating.  This is this fab breakfast with almonds and fruit and last night I did lamb with an olive, fennel and feta salad.  Yum.   This week is tough, 2 days this week is out to lunch from work – so it will probably take me the longest to choose my meals while I go through the do’s and don’ts in my head.

    Do you think that will ever go away?  To all the healthy weight people out there – does it ever go away?  Or will I always be thinking well that has more fat, but that has more carbs, but that tastes better, that’s a smaller portion…..you get the picture.  Having no memory of not having weight issues, I don’t know if it will continue to be there even when the weight is not.  I am so hoping my work with Team Sam will mean it’s not, but I just don’t know.

    I also had a call with the wonderful Shivaya Reo yesterday and we talked about living our own lives and that it was ok.  You know what, it’s also time for me to only be following what I am interested in, who I am interested in and not making decisions based  on so many external valuations.  Baby steps.  The first one is that my health and that of my daughter comes before everything!!!!!  I am watching my mothers health deteriorate with arthritis and joint issues – some of which are results of her weight over the years and I’m telling you I will  not allow myself to be added to those statistics.

    Wish me luck at the restaurant today….stay away from the gorgonzola Sam!!!!!

    Topics: Family, Food Habits (not diets), Mental Health | No Comments »

    Eating in public

    By Samantha Leith | May 19, 2011

    I had the opportunity yesterday to be part of the filming for something – don’t ask me what it was because I won’t tell you.  Anyway I was helping my sister with the catering (not that she is a caterer, just a great cook).  It bought up SO much stuff for me.  I tried to come up with a great reason to not be involved but kept coming back to ‘it’s not about me, so get over yourself and just go’.  So I went, helped and took part.  Now during the hours that we were there, I must have thought GO NOW about 100 times, even though I was enjoying myself.

    You see I kept on having these thoughts – and a million others:

    That one always gets me – the don’t eat in front of people.  Like they are really going to think I don’t eat when I am the size I am.  I used to have these conflicting thoughts years ago when I sang professionally.  If I was with venue owners, famous performers or important behind the scenes people – I wouldn’t eat.  Drink yes, eat no.  Because in that culture drinking and taking drugs is very acceptable.  How mad!!!!

    I can even remember doing anything I could a couple of times to get out of gigs when I was feeling very fat.  I succeeded once, and I can remember that the guilt I felt for doing that was even worse than the thought of possible criticism of my size.  If I was going to be really honest, I would even say that part of the reason I stopped singing was the size thing.  I could handle feedback about my shows, singing etc – but not about my weight and lets face it, in that industry your looks have so much to do with your success.

    I had the opportunity to go overseas at one point with my singing to a guaranteed gig. I didn’t go, and you know what one of the reasons was??? I was afraid that I wouldn’t get another gig after that one had finished because of my size.  I look back now and can’t believe how I have let this weight paralyze my life in so many ways.  I got the first gig didn’t I?  The person I would have been working with wanted me, and they wouldn’t have wanted me just because they felt sorry for me.  I really have been such a moron.

    It’s too late to take all that back now, but it’s not tooooo late for the rest of my life, so yesterday I bit the bullet and I showed my face on camera and I ate in front of tv people!!! That’s a couple of big things in one day.  I don’t care if I make it out of the editing suite, I didn’t run away and that is what matters.  I did miss my trainer though as I stayed a bit too long, but that is rescheduled…..I haven’t changed my instant thoughts though – now I feel guilty about that.

    Honestly – the guilt I carry in my life is ridiculous.  Maybe if I can get rid of that 50kgs will go with it?

    It's A Love Thing album cover

    The photo I have inserted here is one that I love of myself.  Back in my singing days when I felt beautiful.  I was still about 100kgs in the photo, but I was happy, busy singing, dating and felt like I had a real chance to have a great life.  I’m not waiting anymore – I’m going to have my great life regardless of how I look.  It’s over too quick to wait to be perfect.

     икони

    Topics: Appearance, Celebrities, Mental Health, Uncategorized | 1 Comment »

    Does Caffeine Hinder Weight Loss?

    By Samantha Leith | May 17, 2011

    A friend of mine recently gave up coffee and I wondered why. I drink 2-3 cups a day, and drink the VERY occasional diet caffeinated drink. I was interested in his reasons and here is the reason……

    Does caffeine hinder weight loss?

    Studies have shown that caffeine (as in coffee and some sodas) contributes to insulin resistance (thus making it harder to lose weight), increases appetite (again making it harder to lose weight) and contributes to food cravings (making it difficult to adhere to a weight loss diet). In those studies, even decaffeinated coffee is shown to be detrimental to weight loss.

    Caffeine also interferes with GABA and prevents it from performing its calming duties in the human body. This then increases physiological and psychological stress (often associated with both overeating and difficulty adhering to a weight loss diet). Those who are trying to lose body fat (weight) would do well to avoid caffeine.

    Many overweight people, particularly those who have frequently ‘dieted’ and lost weight only to regain it later, are insulin resistant. Unfortunately, many people who are insulin resistant are unaware of it. If you have insulin resistance, using caffeine will further affect your metabolism.

    It will have the opposite outcome of what you want. In the long term, avoiding caffeine will help to boost your metabolism. Naturally increasing your metabolism by combining correct eating (replacing or strictly limiting refined/processed carbohydrates with natural ‘fat burning’ foods) and (unless unable to exercise) cardio exercise, plus, if possible, weight training, will lead to fat loss and increased lean muscle. Lean muscle is your metabolic furnace that will burn extra calories/energy 24 hours daily and not just when you are exercising.

    Even if you are unable to exercise, increasing metabolism and maintaining it long term will enable you to avoid future weight gain. For more information about fat burning foods that speed up metabolism see the related pages, further down this page, listed under Related Questions.

    http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Does_caffeine_hinder_weight_loss

     

    Topics: Food Habits (not diets) | No Comments »

    Team Sam

    By Samantha Leith | May 15, 2011

    Boxing……I LOVE IT!!!!!!

    I saw my trainer Sam yesterday and asked if we could do some boxing.  I loved every minute of it, but my golly gosh I hurt today.  Last week I could barely sit on the toilet after the squats we did, and today I can’t scratch my back without pain.  It’s all good, right?   As your muscles repair themselves your metabolism is working.

    Sam is one part of Team Sam.  Hey I’m the biggest project I’ve ever had to work on, so I figure it can have a name.  Team Sam is made up of Gabriella Rosa the naturopath, Sam from Personal Best, my shrink (who shall remain nameless), my daughter who encourages me everyday to be my best and me.  I am the one that needs to be on the ball 24 hours a day.  I’m the one that needs to make up for the fact that we had pizza at work on Friday.  I’m the one that needs to be strong when I’m taking Elodie’s plate to the kitchen – so that I don’t ‘just eat that last bit’.  I’m the one that when asked why I wasn’t having a glass of wine on Friday after work, said honestly ‘I don’t feel like it’.  You see one day being able to wear jeans with knee high boots on the outside has suddenly become important to me!!!!

    So what is the plan??? Well I’m seeing Gabriella once a week, Sam twice a week and my shrink once a fortnight.  On the money side, I cannot afford any of this, but on the life side, I cannot afford not to do it.  Other things just have to go by the wayside, and I am making the most of Bartercard and my credit cards.

    Already though there are some he said she said things going on. Gabriella says no to protein powder, Sam says I need it after our workouts……..mmmm.  I’ll keep thinking on this one.

    Gabriella doesn’t want me to change what I’m eating this week, just eat 5 meals a day out of a small bowl.  I feel hungry already!!! Today is going to be hard though, we are off to Yum Cha and you always eat toooo much at Yum Cha. The plan for this week is also to listen to a weight loss cd at night in bed, drink at least 2 litres of water a day, add another exercise session (we have agreed on a Wii session at home), eat from the small bowl and write down everything I consume.

    So far the scales at home have me down 3 kilos, which doesn’t tally with Gabriella’s (400gm this week), but I think there will be differences between them all.  I really liked Sam’s idea though.  He said weigh myself everyday for a week, and get the average.  Then in 1 or 2 months, again weigh myself everyday for a week and get an average – then compare the 2.  I kind of like this idea because my weight can fluctuate 2 kilos in a day, and I can tell you I haven’t consumed that much!!!  I think 2 months is too long to wait for an update, so weekly it will be.  Already someone has asked if I have lost weight – the first place it goes is in my face.  Very nice to hear.

    Gabriella wanted me to set myself a consequence for not achieving my goals, now I’m still not sure how I feel about this as I can be so punishing to myself anyway, but I have agreed to try it.  So I need to drop 4 kilos before my birthday 15th June, or……..I will post a photo of myself here in my underwear!!!  Now the thought of this makes me feel physically ill, so I can tell you I will be achieving this goal!!!!

    We were at a school fete yesterday and can I say I can be such a you know what.  I couldn’t believe the number of kids walking around with fairy floss and toffee apples.  Elodie has had fairy floss but hated it, and she has never had a toffee apple…….I don’t encourage those kinds of things. Yet, I am the fat girl sitting there horrified while a skinny mum gives their 5 year old all that sugar. Something is very wrong with this picture.  It’s amazing how many things are making me realise just how big my issues with food are.  I never really understood this.

    Topics: Exercise / Training, Food Habits (not diets), Naturopaths, Team Sam | 1 Comment »

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