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    • Admitting how much you weigh.

    By Samantha Leith | May 1, 2011

    Today I get 2 awards.  The ‘Can’t believe you thought it was a good idea’ and the ‘My golly gosh I did it’ awards.  It was a beautiful day in Sydney so I wanted my daughter and I to get outside and do something active. I had memories of pedaling around Centennial Park in one of the pedal cars…..we could do that!!!!! Well if my darling daughter had been able to touch the pedals it would have been a bit different.  Alas the whole thing was up to me.

    Now I don’t know how much the cars weigh, but I’ll guess it would have to be at least 50kgs.  So let’s do the maths.  Car 50kgs, my daughter 24kgs, and me……this is the bit I am so hesitant to admit to, but my scales say 132kgs.  That’s over 200kgs…..arghgggg.  I pedaled that car like mad and managed to get around the whole park.  I had to push it for about 2 min at one point up a little hill as I though I was going to vomit.  What a challenge!!!  Then I rang someone to see if they could come and join us and give me a hand, but no they weren’t able to.  I’m kinda glad they didn’t because, I repeat…….I did it!!!!

    I felt like crap afterwards, but very happy with myself.  My daughter and I were going ‘I think I can, I think I can’, and I could.  I’ll do it again now, and each time I do it, I will know how far I am getting on this journey.

    There's not too many numbers left above mine.

    I’ve done it, I’ve admitted to the world, how much I weigh. I don’t care if anyone reads this or not, but hey I’ve put it on paper.  I can’t lie about it for even another day.  Now at 165.5cm tall, my ideal weight it about HALF of what I weigh.  That is just daunting.

    Here are a couple of numbers……

    Weight Watchers 54 – 69kgs

    Health.gov.au 50.5 – 68.4kgs

    MyDr.com.au 55 – 68kgs

    Anyway you look at it, I need to lose A LOT OF WEIGHT!!!!!  It’s not just about the weight though, it’s about changing my life for the better.  It’s about having a nice day like today and doing something active, not just going for a picnic.  It’s about me not having had an alcoholic drink in 6 days, not because I’ve told myself I can’t have one – but because when it has been offered or I had the whim to have one, I have thought about it and decided no.

    There is a something called ‘mindfulness’ which I have discussed with my shrink (yes, I see a shrink, but more on that another time) and have heard people speak on.  Whilst I don’t fully understand it yet, I think I am trying to bring that into my life, by taking those moments to think before I act.  Being aware of triggers for emotional eating, drinking and laziness is part of this practice.  I’ve started writing a list of triggers during my day, when I am in bed – very interesting.  The top 5 so far are work, boredom, tiredness, social situations and anger.

    Anger is a topic not many women like to discuss.  Men get angry – women get moody, men sweat – women perspire etc etc.  It’s crap.  Women sweat and they get angry.  I get angry with my daughter, I get angry with life, I get angry at work, with family – the list could go on.  The anger is honest and sometimes valid, sometimes not.  It’s not the kind of anger that you act out with, more the kind you internalise and can maybe make you seem a bit different to the outside world.  I then start to think I’m a bad person for feeling this emotion when there are so much bigger and more important issues in the world – then I will punish myself with eating or drinking the wrong thing, or getting the ‘can’t be bothereds’.  I have been getting better at verbalising my anger, but I think I have a long way to go before I don’t internalise it as much as I do.

    I’m really drifting on this post.  That’s the interesting thing, I write these, then hit Post.  I don’t edit, so you can see that I have said what I weigh and then taken the post on a very different track and avoided talking about it.  Do we think I still have issue??? Me thinks so….so here I go.

    Whilst the world tells me I need to get to the above weights, we all know that you need to find your ideal weight.  That’s not me making an excuse to get to those numbers, I promise.  At this stage my goal is to get to 66 kgs, which is exactly half.  I’d love to do that in a week, but that can’t happen and if it could, I would probably put it all back on again.  Let me repeat – I SAMANTHA LEITH WILL NEVER BE OBESE AGAIN. I feel sick just typing that word obese, I have always said overweight as obese just seemed, well, fatter.

    My mantra is ‘ I live each day as a fit, healthy and conscious individual, each decision I make is positive for my mind, body and spirit’.

    I am 36, so I am giving myself till my 39th birthday (June 2013) to do it.  I am not going to start my 40th year on this planet as the fat, funny girl. I don’t know if 66 kgs is my ideal weight, how could I possibly know what is, when the smallest I have memories of is just under 80kgs, 10 years ago.  The journey to that number (which is not magic by the way) will enable me to find what weight, size and fitness level is best for me.

    Topics: Exercise / Training, Family, Food Habits (not diets), Sharing your journey | No Comments »

    Ruby Gettinger

    By Samantha Leith | April 29, 2011

    I’ve started watching the show Ruby on the Style Network.  This woman has gone from being over 700pounds!!!! Wow.  I’m not sure where she is up to now, but what I found interesting is that she talks about The Beast, which I think is in reference to her mind and habits etc.  How do you get that big? Is that the road I was heading down? In one of the clips her inner circle where having a go at her about lying and putting weight back on etc.  Is that what people have thought about me, but never actually done? Would I have listened if I wasn’t ready? I don’t think so, I think an intervention of that kind would have sent me into somewhere I wouldn’t want to be, and put my friendships at jeopardy.  That’s a hard thing to admit, but maybe my friends and family new that it wouldn’t have worked. Only a couple of people (including my mum) have really ever  pointed out when I have put on weight, or sneered when I consumed something.  Friends and other family will comment when asked, but not just off the cuff.  When they have made comments, I have just got my back up!!! Crazy really when they are showing their love for me.  But I wanted to be the one who could manage everything in life.  Clearly I can’t.

    Back to Ruby.  She was getting a part wig fitted to make her hair look fuller.  Apparently years of yoyo dieting thins your hair!!! Who’d a thunk that? Is that why my hair is so thin? She looked great with it on, and the makeup and the spanx…..then she was off on a date.  Now I’m fat, so I feel like I kind of have a right to say this…..she still has a long way to go.  When an overweight woman such as myself, or Ruby go that extra mile to have good grooming, does it actually detract from the size of our arse? Or do we just look like we are making too much effort?

     Идея за подаръкикониСувенири

    Topics: Celebrities, Mental Health, Sharing your journey, Weight Loss TV | No Comments »

    Surviving Easter

    By Samantha Leith | April 27, 2011

    Let’s talk about the terrible trio of temptation…..alcohol, Easter Eggs and good food!!!!!! Help!!!!! Honestly, for an obese woman (insert my name here) to go away for Easter with friends and be surrounded by booze, chocolate and gourmet dinners is hell.  I decided to not give in the the “I’ll be tough and stick to a very strict diet” attitude, or the “I’ll  just do everything I want and worry about it next week” attitude.  I think I found a middle ground, maybe, I hope. Yes I drank, but only really on one night, for the next 3 nights I only consumed a few drinks. Yes I ate some chocolate, 1 Lindt bunny and a couple of minis.  Yes I ate good food, and probably too much of it, but I also walked for 30mins, 3 times so that probably takes some of the calories away.  I hope.

    I read an article today about how curves are back, and that men prefer sleeping with women with more curves – why they never include lesbians in these surveys I will never know!!!! Anyway, I could feel myself starting to just being fat again…….arghg.  But you know what, it’s not ok by me.  I actually don’t care about Cleo, or news.com or whatever other piece of journalism out there helps me stay like this.  It’s just not on.  I would probably agree, that women with curves are better in bed, but having good sex is not going to help me feel better when I slide into the booth at a cafe, or run after my daughter in a park, or walk into a shop and try to buy a new outfit.

     

    We went to the beach on our long weekend getaway, and guess what??? Yep, you’re right, I didn’t get in the water.  I used the excuses of being tired, and enjoying reading the paper and my sore back – all true I might add, to not get into my swim suit and get in.  The truth is, that walk from the towel down the waters edge is a living hell.  How many people will look at me (doesn’t matter how secluded the beach is) and want to call animal welfare.  I know it’s not true, but I can hear the beached whale jokes playing in my mind.  The sad thing is my daughter would have had a much better time had I got in the water with her, she had a good time anyway – but it’s not right that I don’t want to do that with her.

    I got in the indoor pool the following day, but that walk to the poolside is so much less intimidating.  You can hide under a towel till just the edge of the pool.  What happened to me??? I spent my childhood always swimming, beaches, pools and off the sides of boats.  Nothing would have stopped me then, even though I was overweight.  That’s the weird thing, in one breath I no longer care what people thing of my weight, it’s about how I feel, yet I am still so embarrassed to drop the towel at a beach.

    On another note, my brother was doing something at work today and it involved weight….I made a crack about that being less than 1/3 of me.  He looked at me in amazement and said “you don’t weight that much”. Well I won’t tell you the figure, as I’m not quite up to that yet, but I weight even more that that!!!! Was he being nice, or do I not look my size?

    Now the Easter holidays are over, and I am back on track.  I’m using My Fitness Pal on my iPhone to track my consumption, I’ve set up The Biggest Loser program on our Wii and I’ve booked an appointment with a trainer on Saturday.  Can’t wait to see what he says!!!! My goals for this week are to lose a kilo (slow and steady right?), give myself a pedicure and to declare to the world how much I weigh and what the best weight for my height is.  Can I say, of those 3 goals, the being honest about my weight is the scariest, but I think that I need to do it to move on.

     Икони

    Topics: Food Habits (not diets), Fun Stuff | No Comments »

    Feeling Gorgeous

    By Samantha Leith | April 19, 2011

    I had a party on Saturday night, a Calypso Party to be exact – which meant DRESS UPS!!!!

    Now when you are overweight, the thought of wearing a Carmen Miranda inspired outfit can be a little daunting, scary and well, to be honest you are tempted to come up with any excuse to not go.  Not for me, not this time.  The party was really important to me as there would be people that would be part of my life for the next 13 years while my daughter is at school.

    So what did I do?? I made that horror trip to the fancy dress hire centre……now they say that they cater for every size, but the reality can be a little different.  I tried on lots and lots – walked out with a great headpiece, and a skirt.  The skirt made me feel 50 kilos heavier, so I didn’t want to wear it…..next stop, me at Spotlight thinking about making a skirt.  Ridiculous considering I haven’t sewn anything since 1989 in Year 10 Textiles & Design!!!!!

    Well – it worked!!!!! I felt like I looked the best I could, and I won a prize for best dressed.  I also got lots of great compliments about how I looked, so why am I telling you this???

    I’m sharing it because although I felt that I looked the best I could, and got lots of external validation – I am still not happy with how I look or feel.  Ugh dur Fred…..no, not dur Fred.  You see before I would have let all that nice talk stop me from taking any action.  You see if people tell me I’m ok, then I must be.  Not true.  You see some people think obese is OK, some people think it is gross.  Doesn’t really matter as I’m all about changing me for my sake and no one else’s.   This is such a huge change for me, because I’ve been taught in life to care about what other people think.  It’s not that it’s best to not care, I think you need to keep some level of care, but you can’t put what other people think before what you think.

    That’s part of what this journey will be about for me I guess. Making my thoughts and actions the most important in my life.  The double edged sword with that is that for most of us we have a couple of voices in our head (and it doesn’t mean I have lots of personalities fighting in our heads)……so the next step is only listening to or only giving power to the best voice in your head.  Not the negative nelly that tells me to have that drink.  This happened the other day.  I got home after a crap day and thought ‘ah I’ll have a glass of wine’.  Now thanx to some great niche training from Dr Joanna Martin the other day, I asked myself the question ‘what do I really need?’.  Now what I needed was to relax, what I thought would help me was a glass of wine.  A glass of wine, could of helped me relax, but instead I ended up having a bath.  No prizes for guessing which version of relaxing was better for me.

    Ciao for now – If you’re lucky I might post a photo of the winning outfit.

    Topics: Appearance, Mental Health | No Comments »

    Gastric Banding as a weight loss option

    By Samantha Leith | April 17, 2011

    It’s pretty depressing (for me) when you start considering Gastric Banding.  Don’t get me wrong it is an amazing tool for some people. After speaking with my Dr and reading about it though, I think I would see it as yet another failure that I couldn’t shed the weight myself.  Also, if I haven’t yet fixed the emotional issues that lead me to eating and drinking more and exercising less – then isn’t gastric banding just going to be a short term fix??

    With all my research online, I have found a few interesting reads.

    I found the best reads at Yahoo Groups.

    http://au.groups.yahoo.com/search?query=gastric+banding

    So what is the definitaion of gastric banding…….A surgical procedure in which a band made of special material is placed around the stomach near its upper end, creating a small pouch and a narrow passage into the larger remainder of the stomach. It can be tightened or loosened over time to change the size of the passage.
    Basically if your BMI is over 40 it is used as a tool to reduce the size of your stomach, thus reducing the food / drink intack – which will inturn reduce your weight.  They can be adjusted later on down the track.

    Do I think it is the answer for me? No, I don’t. Decision made. See I was at an AMAZING seminar last weekend with Dr Joanna Martin from Shift Speaker Training and one of the things we worked on was just making a decision!!!! Being overweight can sometimes help you not have to make a decision, as what’s the point!

    So, no gastric band, but I am going to speak to the gorgeous Gabriela Rosa about some natural things I can do to help with weight loss. I am also going to see if the budget can stretch to a trainer a couple of times a week.  I figure a trainer is more important than new shoes!!!!  A trainer will extend my life, so I can buy more shoes later!!!

    I know someone recently who has used gastric banding to drop over 60 kilos….wow, but still my gut (funny that) tells me no.

     

    Topics: Weight Loss Surgery | No Comments »

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